Back to school

 Yeah.... The first post on this new blog was June 2020. Over three years later and there are 8 very short and mostly useless posts. The five projects I was was trying to push myself on have gone almost nowhere. Why? Life. Imposter syndrome. Depression. Family. On and on. It is always the same list with slightly different details. 

I don't want to compare to anyone else, but just recently a friend I went to college with just published her second critically acclaimed novel. This is in addition to the multiple books of poetry and other work she's done. I am not jealous, as she is definitely the best writer I have ever read, but it just gets me thinking about time. 

I'm 50 now. What do I have to show? What legacy am I leaving? When I'm gone, will there be anything to remember me? Is there anything worth remembering? 

I signed up for another writing class that starts in a few weeks. I promise I will put full effort into it and hopefully it can spark something, somehow. 

Maybe it will lead to more blog posts, who knows? I know no one reads this but me anyway.

Goodnight

 

50

 So... This is 50.

Happy Birthday, Heather

 Happy Birthday, Heather. I know you and I are not talking and it appears you have closed me out of your life, but I still want to send this birthday wish into the ether. Hopefully the sentiment will reach you and find you healthy and happy. That is all I've ever wanted for you. Happy Birthday!

 Hey. Trying this again. Turning 49 in a few days. My hip hurts. New kitchen floor has been installed. My library needs a complete overhaul. It's fucking hot outside. And one of these days I am going to sit down and actually write. I must. I want it.

 Ugh. Why can't I write? Why can't I sit down and write? This is torturous. 

Let's Be Real

It dawned on me late this evening that this "blog" serves its most important purpose as a running status of my mental health. With the coronavirus having shut down a large amount of society at large, I have not been able to attend therapy as I have in the past. I know there are other ways to have sessions (phone, video-chat, virtually, etc.) but I have not felt comfortable with those. I've been okay for this first four months in lockdown. I have focused on my family, trying to put the importance of staying physically healthy first and foremost. And most of the mental health work has been in trying to keep my children engaged and as anxiety-free as possible. But for me, the last couple days have been a bit trying. Not sure why exactly. It is almost Heather's birthday. Maybe that's it. The loneliness, the lack of friends, the self-imposed impulse towards introversion. I just feel alone. Lost. Again.

Could use a lack of procrastination right about now.

Yeah, so the new blog thing is not working out as well as I had hoped. It turns out that being stuck in the house with two young children during a lockdown is more about trying to stay sane than unlocking some ambitious work ethic. The good news is that it looks like there will be a lot more time to attempt these writing challenges. The bad news is that the good news is also the bad news. Right now, sleep sounds like the best thing.